


Have You Seen Jake English? (All POV)

by cristiansenia, nunquius, Paper__Kid



Series: Homestuck Oneshots [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, One-Sided Jake English/Dirk Strider, Past Jake English/Dirk Strider, Sadstuck, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-11-23 06:04:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11396823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cristiansenia/pseuds/cristiansenia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunquius/pseuds/nunquius, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paper__Kid/pseuds/Paper__Kid
Summary: Jake hasn't been seen out of the house in months. He hasn't responded to texts or calls, hasn't shown up at parties, and hasn't answered the door for anyone. People are starting to get worried about him, especially Dirk Strider, his ex-boyfriend from years ago. Finally it becomes too much for Dirk to handle, so he shows up at Jake's door. Why has Jake been cooped up all this time?





	1. Dirk

When we pulled up to the house, I knew something was definitely wrong. I mean, Jake hadn’t been out in weeks but this was something else. His curtains were open but there was no cheery boy laughing or cleaning his guns at the table or moving around at all. That kid could never stop moving as long as I’ve known him. So what happened to make him like this?

“I’m gonna go inside.” I looked over at John, noting the look of worry in his eyes. “You wait out here, please.”

“Good luck.” He whispered, and unlocked the door. I opened the door and climbed out, mentally preparing myself for what I would say. As I passed the lawn, I noted how overgrown it was and I took a moment to look at his overgrown and weedy flowerbeds. He usually kept his garden in “tip top shape” and it was odd and worrying to see it such a mess. I approached the door and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. Still nothing. So I reached for the handle, pausing a moment to ponder if this was really the right thing to do. Yes. I was worried about him and I needed to know if he was alright. I opened the door.

“Jake?” I called out, hoping to get a response. I was met with silence. I took a quick look around; nothing seemed out of place. In fact, it seemed much too clean and put together. It felt like nobody had lived here. Like someone had died and nobody wanted to disturb it. I shivered, then turned when I heard a rustling of blankets. Jake. He looked so tired and pale. 

“Are you okay?” That was a dumb question. Try again.

“Jake is everything okay?” Of course it’s not shut the fuck up, Dirk.

“Jake please respond. Give me a sign you’re hearing me right now.” His face hadn’t changed the whole time. He just looked hollow. 

“Jake?”

“Would you just cut it out already?” He snapped.

“W-what?” I knew I’d let my emotions slide but I couldn’t help it. 

“I said cut it out!” He looked pissed. Angry. Upset. And frustrated. I watched him pull at his hair and I wanted to stop him cause that had to hurt.

“Haven’t you done enough, you bloody idiot?” I cringed.

“I know we broke up, I fucked up, I get it, but did you really have to go around with him?” 

Wait, what?

“It was so soon, so fucking soon, and suddenly you're looking at him the way you looked at me once, and I'm not bloody over it, Dirk, because he's looking right back at you with my feelings in his eyes! I fucking miss you, God damn it! I never got over you can't you understand that?”

I couldn’t speak nor think. I looked down, tears threatening to spill over. How the  _ fuck _ was I so blind to how he was feeling?

“You were perfect to me and I was too much of a dimwit to realize it and now you're his and you're gone and I don't want to be here or even alive!”

My eyes snapped back up to meet his. He was crying too. His eyes didn’t show it though. His eyes looked mad, upset, frustrated, sad, lonely, broken, and hurt. And it was all my fucking fault.

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking-”

“You can be sorry all you bloody want. It won't change anything. It never has for me, has it? You know what? Go. Get out. Go to him.” I jolted back at his words. He didn’t mean that, right? More tears sprang from my eyes and poured down my face.

“I said go! Leave! You don’t need to be here!” I scanned his face looking for any sign that he actually wanted me to stay, but all i found was pure anger. He had screamed at me. Obviously i know when i’m wanted and when i’m not.

I turned and left the house, more tears still pouring down my cheeks.

I heard him screaming. I heard things breaking. I knew it was my fault. But I kept walking. Because if I caused this, why would he want me around ever again?

When I got to the car, I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I opened the door and slid in the passenger seat. 

God why am I such a fuck up. Am I a monster? How did I fuck up so badly this time? Why couldn't I see what I’d done to him sooner? Why does he blame himself for our breakup? Do I still love him? But I love John. Would we ever work again? Why can't I ever stay in one place. Why can't I get things right. Why do I always do this. Why can't I get close to anyone. Why am I so perpetually fucked up. 

I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought he was the one thing I hadn’t fucked up. I thought he was the one person I didn't fuck over. 

I was wrong. 

I couldn’t breathe. I choked out a sob and bent over, clutching my stomach, as the rest tore out of me. I hadn’t cried this hard in forever. I felt John’s hand on my shoulder. 

I don’t want to hurt him, either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like this chapter? This was written by paper__kid, so go ahead and check him out!


	2. Jake

I had laid on my couch, emotionally and physically drained after the last party I'd decided to go to. I didn't plan on getting up until God knows when, and so I didn't. How much time passed while I had internal battles of the heart and mind? I didn't check the clock. Eventually, I stopped thinking. I nearly stopped breathing, though of course I couldn't quite manage that one. I laid and I stared at the light as it faded and came back and repeated on and on and on until I lost track of the days. I heard cars drive by, but never stop. Nobody ever stopped for me, and I didn't expect anybody to. Nobody needed me. Nobody wanted me. I didn't even want myself.

But then, eventually, somebody did stop for me. I heard the car stop. I thought I was hallucinating. I felt numb and gone, miles and miles away from the bones in which I resided. I heard a knock, distant to my ears. Not this again. More knocking, and then I closed my eyes, exasperated. I wished these noises would stop. Finally, after too long and not long enough, I heard my front door ease open.

"Jake?"

I heard his voice. The voice I felt I'd never hear again but hoped I would; the low voice tinged with worry that invaded my dreams when I slept and my thoughts when I could understand them. I thought maybe I was dreaming yet again, but I had to check. I pulled myself from my cocoon of dirty blankets and sweat and turned to look towards my door. I stared dumbly at Dirk, who turned to look back at me. I tried to decipher whether or not he was real.

"Are you okay?" It sounded so much like him.

"Jake, is everything okay?" The worried furrow in his brow seemed intense. I almost wanted to get up and put my hand on his face.

"Jake, please respond. Give me a sign you're hearing me right now." It was him. I felt everything I had repressed rush back. Numb emptiness was filled with curiosity and nervousness and sadness and everything I could've felt towards the man I had cared about who'd never, never need me again. I felt anger, but I was frozen. How was I supposed to talk to him? I could open my mouth but I hadn't uttered a syllable in so long that my throat felt dry and crusty and what do you even say to somebody who's making you feel all this?

"Jake?" I didn't want these feelings to come back. I couldn't let them.

 I see John waiting in the car, just outside, and suddenly I find words. "Would you just cut it out already?" I snapped, trying to form coherent thoughts from the jumbled mess in my head.

"W-what?" He stuttered, looking like a wounded puppy. I was so tired.

"I said cut it out!" I yelled, clenching my eyes shut and pulling at my hair. Think, Jake, think. But I couldn't. It hurt too much, I'd thought out this situation too much, and frustration spilled from my mouth. "It was so soon, so fucking soon, and suddenly you're looking at him the way you looked at me once, and I'm not bloody over it, Dirk, because he's looking right back at you with my feelings in his eyes! I fucking miss you, God damn it! I never got over you, can't you understand that?"

Dirk's head tilted down. I saw tears run down his face, under his shades, and I was happy he was wearing them. It made it less real. I sighed, exasperated, and felt my own tears rapidly form. I can't stop talking. “You were perfect to me and I was too much of a dimwit to realize it and now you're his and you're gone and I don't want to be here or even alive!”

His head shot back up and I felt his gaze on me again. I wanted to look down but he was there and I was angry and I couldn't back down even though all I wanted to do was hug him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking-"

“You can be sorry all you bloody want. It won't change anything. It never has for me, has it?" I paused and took a deep breath. He didn't need me. He deserved better, and I knew he did. John was out there in the car, waiting to shower Dirk in happiness, and there I was, yelling at him. Might as well finish it off. Even if I couldn't get over him, he should be able to get over me. "You know what? Go. Get out. Go to him.”

He winced at my words. I had to end this. He needed a reason to move on, so I had to give it to him, even if it killed me. “I said go! Leave! You don’t need to be here!”

He turned and left. I nearly told him to wait, that I didn't mean it, that I needed him. But I couldn't. He needed John, not me. I stared at the door he had shut. Suddenly, I couldn't contain myself. I tore my glasses off and threw them across the room. I threw everything I could get my hands on and I screamed but I didn't feel a thing. I heard crashing and my screaming in the distance, as if I were miles and miles away yet again. Glass shattered against my floor and I left it there, even when I got tired and stumbled back to my couch, my face wet and gross from my sobbing, and collapsed, holding myself. I decided that I would never move again. I decided that I would die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter, check out nunquius, the author of the entire chapter!


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